I have been moping over the "affair that was" for sometime. However, as time went by, my sadness was filled with silent outrage at some realizations I've had. Being outside the relationship gave me a perspective on why and how it collapsed. No matter how independent I am, it took tremendous effort and support from my friends to pull me through. What made it more difficult was knowing that I was quickly replaced. More like after the death of Princess Diana, wherein Camilla Parker Bowles then took over. (Sigh). Anyway enough of that.
This morning I showered and dressed comfortably. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw a tired, sad and unhappy face. I really was the shadow of my former self. The bubbly, easygoing, and healthy-looking lad was nowhere in sight. Looking back at the year that was, I can understand the change in me. God must love me so much He gave me the toughest of challenges:
1. I lost my beloved team.
2. I was forced to work 60 hrs a week
3. I had and lost 3 boyfriends.
4. I was swindled Php 2,000 ( for me that's big money that time)
5. My friend Elda left for Korea.
6. A crazed drug addict almost broke into my apartment and stabbed me to death.
7. Problems within the family worsened and spiraled out of control, with two of my sisters battlling each other in court.
Shaking myself out of reverie, I stared back at myself. I was thinner alright, BUT I've weathered all the storms. Despite the endless catfights, LQs, illnesses, and disapointments, I am still here. I AM STILL ALIVE.
With this newfound resilience, I told my reflection in the mirror, "KAYA MO YAN, LUMABAN KA SA MGA PROBLEMA. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF YOU YET".
From this day on, I WILL LIVE.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
- I've given up the possibility of a reconciliation. His ego is as big as a house.
- I regretted I ever presented the possibility of a breakup.
- I still fantasize about him whenever I have sex with other guys.
- I plan to return all the gifts he gave me, as soon as I have bought worthy replacements.
- I suddenly realized that a person does not just get "crabs" by himself, he gets it from someone else. I was so besotted with him that I believed his story that he never slept with anybody else and he doesn't know how on earth he got those icky things crawling on his pubes.
- I know what you're thinking, I am clean, I don't have crabs and I didn't have crabs before I met him. He gave me crabs. Imagine the discomfort I had shaving my pubes and saying helo to my bald phallus.
- I still can't believe I bought his story that his phone has an auto delete feature for sent messages. I checked with friends with the same phone model and they gave me "that" look.
- I know he has created a profile at guys4men.com and has a faceless body in briefs as his main profile picture. His profile name is "Thunder".
- I slept with another guy a few days before I broke up with him. I just thought, "What the hell, it's useless to stay in a relationship heading nowhere".
- The word "serious" has a different meaning for him.
- I hid the truth of my suffering from my friends. I felt sorry for myself.
- His friends verbally maligned me and he never said any word in my defense.
- He's a quitter.
- He admitted his mistakes but he never made adjustments within himself to correct them.
- He's right, absolutely right. He wasn't man enough for me.
- This is the last time I'll ever write and talk about him.