ME IN THE MOVIES

Generally-speaking I love movies, especially those affecting ones (please take note that an "affecting movie" for me is something that would make me think about alternate endings and replacing the lead character with myself haha). Last Thursday, before my hubby left to flirt with camels in sub-Saharan Africa (I'm talking about Tunisia baby) we watched Flightplan, a Jodie Foster film. The film affected me so much that I always envision myself the target of conspiracy in every way possible (how demented is that?). Maybe I should reconsider consulting a shrink. (Yawn) Read on.

1. The Mummy. I'll slip a cursed Egyptian artifact into my "beloved" officemate Ashley's bag. Naturally the curse will wreak havoc on her and everybody else. hahahaha (evil grin)
2. Catwoman. I'll learn about my boss' secret dealings and the truth behind our phonecards' lost minutes and disconnected lines. Naturally , I will be killed but will be revived as a leather clad person, playing hopscotch on a skyscraper (robinson's summit anyone?)
3. Harry Potter. With a hot guy like Malfoy, who needs enemies? If you can't beat 'em fuck 'em. ahahaha
4. The Matrix. OMG! A lot of Agent Smiths! Can I see them all naked? hehehe
5. The Skeleton Key - Our neighbor's dog who always barks at me whenever I pass by turned out to be my bad-ass neighbor and the good-natured person who is supposed to be my neighbor is the dog. Some black magic required (swishing arms and smoke would help create that effect I guess).
6. The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. Our lazy maid turns out to be the owner of a dog I killed when I was very young and was out on a vendetta. Acts of revenge includes not washing my clothes right away, eating most of our food and monopolizing the TV watching Kampanerang Kuba.
7. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Me and my baby turned out to be spies of opposing factions. Instead of fighting we bicker constantly. The sex is always great, though.

Ashley: Hey ...

KIDDO: (Feigns happiness) Hey...

We'll be back after a few messages....

WHAT IF IM A FREAKIN' DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE?

Most of my Sunday was spent watching "that" show DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, and I can't help but agree to Mary Alice's words that "loneliness is something we can all relate to". However, I cannot imagine, in my queer life how I would fit as a desperate housewife. Here are some un-fitting situations:

(Gabrielle) Eva Longoria: If I were her, I won't just screw the gardener, I'll require a free gardening service. Hell, if you're fucking someone as hot as me, you gotta pay in any way possible. When I realize that my rich, generous husband wants to cure my loneliness with gifts, I'll sulk often and pretend loneliness. That way I can get that mini zoo I've always dreamed of (hippos included of course, but wait, i guess it's not a mini zoo after all).

(Susan) Teri Hatcher: Accident prone Susan. Oh boy, I can't imagine myself tumbling down my aprtment's steep steps and breaking a neck. That sure is a dangerous way to attract a man's attention. However that would attract a swarm of spectators. Maybe HE is among them. I guess I'll just put padding at the landing of the stairs for less damage. ouch!

Brini (Marcia Cross): Squeaky-clean Brini. Queer people should emulate her optimism, for instance, in an eyeball:

Ugly chatmate: Hi
KIDDO: Hi how are you? I brought you some homemade potpourri.
Chatmate (confused): oh ok. Would u like to go somewhere, like fuck?
KIDDO: Oh great sure!

Chatmate takes off his pants and reveals a small dick.

KIDDO: How nice, a small dick....


Lynette (Felicity Huffman) : Generally I don't like kids. They smell, they destroy, they rant, they eat too much and litter like 10 frenzied wildcats. To make those kids buckle up, I'll make them watch the CD of "Uncut murder scenes and footages too violent for TV". Whenever they would refuse, do a sample on a cat and tell in a most controlled voice "If you don't buckle up, you're next." Success everytime I guess. hahahaha

I guess that's why I'm just your good, old Kiddo. God knows what I would do.