MY OWN DEATH MARCH

Guy: Hey Kiddo, no pun intended here, but are your stories real? Did you really write from your own experiences?

Kiddo: (Feigning indifference) Honestly, I also cannot believe that those things happened to me but they did.

Guy: (Quite proudly) But I’m goodlooking, and you’re … common. I don’t understand.
Kiddo: (Sensing an insecure troll lurking inside the guy) I don’t know about what you do, but wherever I go I make sure I am myself, always.

Guy: (Crickets chirping) ……

Yeah, I know it’s the love month and I’d bet my eyeballs that you were expecting to see one of my infamous listings of zany what to dos for that special day. This time, I beg to differ and opt to offer you a piece of myself. Unbeknownst to many, just recently, I thought I found THE ONE, only to realize that he was another guy’s THE ONE, although it was tumultuous learning experience. Let’s refer to him as BBoy. BBoy came from the place where the infamous Death March started. Little did I now that I’d be in small version of it with me as the willing participant. If only I knew what was in store for me when I met him that fateful day, I might have been spared of the 2nd day of reckoning of my life. Every day I went near him was a march towards heartbreak. I was disillusioned and I thought he was THE ONE.
I met him online in one of those days that I tried to squeeze in some online time in between shifts. I thought it was just some harmless texting acquaintance wherein you were just trading “what’s up?” messages. Before long we were already talking about more personal stuff that I began to wonder if there was someone at the other line who longed for love, like myself.

Months passed and were talking about finally seeing each other and were very comfy with each other’s personalities. I knew he was this cynical person who believed in love whose views were tarnished by a very bad experience. I was coming out as the clean slate, I thought I could share some of my sunshine with him. He knew I was this fluffy optimist, who believed in the power of love. So much for that. Since we obviously had different personalities, we sometimes clashed resulting in several days of not talking; until eventually one gave in and apologized, until I got tired of it and told him I wanted some time out and meet other guys. I didn’t know that I cooked my own goose.

The holidays came and I greeted him with one curt message and he replied back rather stiffly. We started talking again, but I knew there was a marked change. It seems that there was already something which is occupying his time. Have I met my end, or is my mind just playing games with me? Later on, I learned that he has already gone back to Manila and in 3 days time has caught up with an old acquaintance, falling for the guy in the process. The guy, who I have already dated myself, is a known player. Naturally, his feelings were rebuffed and for some comfort, he came to the most dependable person who never left, good ol Martha (me). I was kinda disapoointed that another guy already stole his heart, but being the optimist that I am, I decided to fight for the chance that he might see mein a different way.

He came at a time that I was having a dryness in my literary craft and work was turning up shit whatever I do. As he was due to return to his province that fateful Friday, he asked me to distract me, so we just talked nonsense. Then, out the blue he asked me to go with him. I was surprised that I said yes without batting a mascaraed eyelash. There was this inner voice that convinced me that I must do something crazy and must take risks if I do want to get some of the things I want. I thought, maybe, just maybe, if I go with him on this trip I’d be able to make him see me as that person that he will love.

Our days in his idyllic and secluded hometown as could easily be in my life’s top 10. His parents were accommodating and I never felt more appreciated. It was a full 3 days cooped up in his room, either were talking, laughing or having sex. On the third day I knew what I wanted and decided to tell him how I felt. He said we should take things slowly and he doesn’t want to rush things. I smelt a rat somewhere but I was in love and delirious and didn’t know that I was already standing directly on top of a cesspool cover which is ready to collapse. He assured me that we’d see each other back in the city and would date and get to know each other more. I went back to Manila and he stayed behind to take care of some family business.

The following day, was the crescendo of my death march. He never talked to me again. The whole day was silent without even a hint of his existence which is very different from the previous scenario. I was uptight at work like a tightly-wound up yarn ready to unravel. It was a struggle and I had to keep a straight face. Talking to my bff at work didn’t help. When I went home I was like a blank hunk of nothing. As I neared our house I ran to, eager to reach my room. As I entered my bathroom everything came to me in one disturbing slideshow. Taking me with him was part of the distraction he asked; whenever were intimate he kissed me BUT he never hugged me back; he still has feelings for that other guy AND if he really had a thing for me he didn’t have to think things through

Reality hit me like a pitcher of cold water as it would a participant in a Miss Icy T-shirt contest. One by one the teardrops fell, and soon I was sobbing. I let it all go. I cried for my disappointments, for the failed relationships, my failed dates, for him. I had all the reasons to hate him, because I felt used but I felt that I did have a part in it. As I wailed, my whole being wailed with me, asking for retribution, asking God if I have already endured pain to see relief, if I already had suffered enough that somehow, tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I’d be happier. I never thought that unrequited love could be so painful. I had so much love to share to BBoy and yet he chose to pine over that other guy who doesn’t seem to mind him at all. A twisted love triangle if you would ask me.

As the winds slowed down and the eye of the storm passed, I had the sense to call in the cavalry. A dear friend provided comfort and before long he was also cryng with me until I had nothing more to give out the tears stopped. I waited for at least 3 days before finally talling BBoy that I’m leaving for good and that I realized that he was not THE ONE and I had to go and find him. All he said was I’m such a spoiled drama queen and I can do whatever I please. That time I knew it was really over, or was there ever anything between us in the first place. My 2nd death came and some came to feast on my corpse. A jilter former suitor offered to take me and give me tha commitment I have been longing for, but I’d prefer to be alone than be with someone I really cannot love, despite being the perfect guy to be with. I know loving on will be another long process for me, but I have already started to get up.

This experience taught me that everyone is an amateur when it comes to love. There are no secret ingredients, no foolproof formula, no expert advice. All of us are like clueless travelers in very wide unpredictable desert where the oases are blissful, the days could be mercilessly scorching, and the nights brutally cold.

However despite these truths I have learned, I march on, never giving up. I will find him, THE ONE and I know he will make the long wait all worth it. He will laugh at my silliness. He will hold my hand as we walk around the zoo. He’d eat everything I would cook. He’d snuggle next to me on a cold rainy day. He’d lovingly remind me to clean my room and clear out my clutter. He help me pick out a new pet. Among other things, he will love me in behalf of all those whom I loved but never loved me in return.

I'M GONNA COME...OUT!

We are all control freaks - in the office, in relationships, in the house. We want order, we want organization. However, there's still a Higher Power out there who calls the shots and can change our lives in a split-second.

Coming out in public is something every gay man should prepare for. For this crazily-sexy writer, coming our is as important as a debut for an 18-year old girl and a bar mitzvah. It means that you are offering yourself to the world as you are, no prentense.

I always dreamt that my coming out in public as something akin to monumental and sensational, which is after: A. after i receive a Nobel peace price for saving the long-necked women of Burma by providing alternative employment at Tiffany's (well they can wear several necklaces at a time, that way they save on mannequins); B. i receive an award for Best Blog (for the Aquagreen Diaries) by blogging that I fisted Rafael Alunan and he loved it.; or C. I was exposed as the hidden mistress (or whatever you call it) of FG Arroyo, and the root of all his corrupt practices (with a video footage of me wearing very large Dolce glasses and a mink coat with nothing underneath and 6-inch stilletos, walking along Macapagal Ave in a drugged state shooting passing cars at will).

(Sound of a record scratch). Reality check. Reality, Kiddo. Kiddo, reality. I'm at Baywalk with my sisters Jed and his husband Glenn and Khalel and his husband Ian. Also present was Echo, a bitch I love to hate, with his cute husband Ray John (wink wink). We're at Blue Bay Grill, an open-air comedy bar. The drag queens really know how to put a very funny show. Then the Higher Power decided it's time for us to come out. Ian and then ray John decided to jam with the singers, and as with every comedy bar, teh singer gets interviewed first. Then everything got exposed, with us as straight acting gays, and with Ian having a boyfriend on our table, and then Ray John, too. Every eye was focused on us. I cannot even look up. This is not how I expected to come out in public. I am not yet ready. But it was decided. I just tried to enjoy the show. It's a good thing Jed (who's also flustered with the experience) urged us to leave after the last drag performance.

As we stood up and walked towards the exit, I saw all eyes on us. It's like being under persecution by paparazzi.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we walked out and strode freely onto the sidestreet. All of us just had coffee and laughed about the experience.

From this experience, I learned the following:

1. We really cannot control everything. That Higher Power out there is really powerful

2. My being single is being painfully obvious but I know with friends, I'll be all right.

3. Anything can happen at a comedy bar.

4. I'm glad I kept my hair long. It shield my face from scrutiny.

5. I should always brign my large Dolce shades whih are perfect for times like this.

6. Since The Higher Power decided my coming out, I guess he would also decide on who will be my boyfriend.

7. I realized that in order to meet quality guys, they need to see a quality me. a newer Kiddo. Is reinvention in the works? Definitely.

For now I am focused on my teeny-weeny bit of a business and my J-O-B. (hurrying out of the door).

P.S. Do not shoot the little kitty. I'll give you what you want.

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA? LOVES IT...

It was BED's 4th anniversary party. The music was cool, the people were hot, and the club was not too crowded. A guy was on the pretense of smoking and stood next to me, making furtive glances. Let's call him Scooby (I always call guys I don't know Scooby). I was not in the mood for anything, YET. I pretty much ignored him.

However, for a notorious party person like me, nothing could be more exciting than to have a drink. The whole place is screaming of cocktails. I sauntered to the bar and ordered my favorite: Long Island Iced Tea. I usually get mine at Streetlife (when it's still open) and I get a manageable glass, not too tall. This one was a surprise. The glass was huge, even the bendy straw was drowning in it. Throwing away the straw carelessly (I hit a guy an unfortunate guy..), I just took sips and went to my spot.

As I was halfway through it, I felt my inhibitions disappear. It turns out that this guy who keeps on rubbing his elbow against mine wants to kiss me. Let's call him Tootles. We were slowly getting the feel of it and then Scooby came and kissed me hard on the lips. Being the charitable person that I am, I kissed him back and gave him a piece of Batangueño tongue. What transpired next was a battle of oral proportions. Scooby appeared to be cute, just like a Stepford husband. Tootles, meanwhile was pissed off.

After the kissfest, Scooby whispered to me to follow him to his car. He's just gonna say goodbye to his friends. I was so wasted I wasn't even hearing half of what he said next. I forgot to follow him. So much for getting laid, huh?

Wonder of wonders, Kjartan, my chatmate from Norway, texted me. He was also there and he wanted to meet me. We hugged and he said I smell good (Thank you , House of Moschino for concocting that wonderful fragrance "Friends"). I told him to prove it by kissing my neck, and he did more than kissed it. He nibbled on it hahaha. He also kissed me on the lips, but I didn't like it. As we talked, I happened to ask him about his bf, who's at home sleeping. I jokingly told him I could handle an affair with him if he's interested, and his bf would not ever know. He just kissed me back and with a serious gaze, he said he likes me because I'm naughty.

My dizziness was already becoming apparent. Scooby must be in a frantic search of me within the vicinity, obviously Tootles is still mad at me for not choosing him (I like him, it's just that he's slow), and Kjartan must be checking on my offer for an affair. I said goodbye to Kjartan and began to look for Paris (Jed) and Lindsay (Mark). I really want to go home. I have a headache larger than the state of New Jersey.

Leaving 3 guys with me on their minds, and a place swarming with guys searching for a quick lay, we left the place.

Anyway, I searched the internet for recipes of Long Island Iced Tea. I didn't know this fucker of a drink has 3 versions. Check 'em out. This is great for a children's party ( for the mascot and clown to drink hahaha). Enjoy!

Version 1 (traditional)
1/2 oz vodka 1/2 oz gin 1/2 oz triple sec 1/2 oz light rum 1/2 oz tequila 2 oz sour mix

Mix with ice and then top with Cola.

Version 2

2 cups ice cubes 1 ounce vodka 1 ounce gin 1 ounce white rum 1 ounce white tequila 1/2 ounce triple sec 2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice 1/2 cup Cola, or to taste 2 lemon wedges

Shake everything but cola and wedges in a cocktail shaker. Pour into glasses and top with Cola, and a lemon wedge.

Version 3 3 oz Triple Sec 1 oz Light Rum 1 oz Dark Rum 1 oz Vodka 1 oz Gin 1 oz Vermouth 3 oz Sour Mix 6 oz Cola 1/2 oz Tequila Ice

Combine everything and serve with ice.

An Open Letter to a Dear Friend (with excerpts of lyrics from Paris Hilton's song Jealousy)

"I thought you were my best friend

I thought we'd be together to the end"

For you I have all the love and respect in the world;

Even sacrifice a part of my happiness for yours, I would.

"Your not the girl I once knew

Tell me where she is cause she's not you"

I always thought our life together would always be sweet;

As I counted the years, months, days and weeks.

"You used to be that shoulder

That shoulder I could lean on through it all"

You were always my champion;

I cheered as you fought them all head on.

"But now its getting colder

There's no love between these walls"

Suddenly, snow came without warning;

And I was there, alone and wanting.

"I was always happy

When I was watching you become a star"

I was very content to be "your friend"

A silent little shadow whenever we went.

"But you were only happy

When the world was openin' up my scars"

Later came a series of unfortunate events;

It was always your shining moment at my humiliating expense.

"And now I'm like the devil

Well if I am then what does that make you"

Later it was I whom you judged;

I, who never imagined this, was severely hurt and stunned.

I never dreamed that the strong person I admired, you see;

Would have his venom directed at me.

It is in my heart to forgive;

But I know there's a lesson for you I have to give.

Bitchiness is not a sign of intelligence;

Having a warm heart sums up a persons essence.

Scheming, self-centered person go away;

I do not want you to stay.

Please bring back my friend, the friend I once knew;

My brother, my friend, the strong rock I hold onto when the strongest winds blew.

ATTACK OF THE 5'8" SLUT

Thursday, SHANGRI-LA

After a grueling day at work, I decided to go to Shangri-La and eat my favorite Nacho Fast chili con carne. I am like a specialized animal wherein I only eat out at certain food joints that I’ve tried and enjoyed before. I was walking towards Nacho Fast when I began to have several confrontations with my slutty past (shit this computer insists that I should use smutty, well hello I’m not freakin’ Jenna Jameson). So let’s get it on with my smutty, err slutty confrontations:

Joey AKA Tisoy – A cute, not-so-tall mestizo with an insatiable appetite for sex. Nuff said. We knew and recognized each other but preferred not to even nod. We went separate ways.

The guy who came so quickly – I can’t remember his name but I do remember him cumming so quickly. Faster that Beyonce can belt out those melismas of hers in Déjà vu (by the way I love that wild woman dancing of hers, maybe I should try it sometime at Pritil Market hehe).

The almost guy – We almost did it, but didn’t. I just gave him a peek of my treasures. He jerked off naturally.

I tried to shrug it off as mere coincidence, but at the back of my mind there’s this nagging feeling that there’s more to come, like an inner voice telling me that I am a slut who’s a screaming advertisement for sex. I beg to differ. I am not advertising myself for sex (my close friends will strangle me for this quote).

My legs brought me to the food court, where food was ghastly, but the people were worse. Anyway, the only bright spot was the pad thai that I ate. Definitely delicious eating I assure you. As I was innocently (?) swallowing the bits and pieces of pad thai, a queer couple or close to that sat on the table adjacent to mine and were openly flirting they almost fucked on the table they were eating on if the norms of society and civility permitted it. The guy, obviously the bottom glanced sideways and saw me and signaled something to the other guy. The guy stood up and simply made a move to drop his hankie directly beside my feet. They pretended not to see it but I know they’re waiting for me to pick it up and hand it to them. I know what they want. And I know I don’t want what they want. So I just stood up and left the hankie lying there untouched.

As I entered the restroom, I looked at my face and I hated to acknowledge that I am someone screaming for sex. I want love. I want to love. I want a boyfriend. I want walks in the rain, flirtations under the sun, a carefully planned picnic in the park. I want someone to own me so no one would lust after me repeatedly. But I guess that someone for me is still far out in the horizon.

Till then, they have to watch out for the attack of the 5’8’ slut.

Note: I saw more guys that I just recognized by the face,. I just can’t remember clearly the scenarios when we met. Please don’t judge me, you’re slutty, too.

ATTACK OF THE 5'8" SLUT

Thursday, SHANGRI-LA

After a grueling day at work, I decided to go to Shangri-La and eat my favorite Nacho Fast chili con carne. I am like a specialized animal wherein I only eat out at certain food joints that I’ve tried and enjoyed before. I was walking towards Nacho Fast when I began to have several confrontations with my slutty past (shit this computer insists that I should use smutty, well hello I’m not freakin’ Jenna Jameson). So let’s get it on with my smutty, err slutty confrontations:

Joey AKA Tisoy – A cute, not-so-tall mestizo with an insatiable appetite for sex. Nuff said. We knew and recognized each other but preferred not to even nod. We went separate ways.

The guy who came so quickly – I can’t remember his name but I do remember him cumming so quickly. Faster that Beyonce can belt out those melismas of hers in Déjà vu (by the way I love that wild woman dancing of hers, maybe I should try it sometime at Pritil Market hehe).

The almost guy – We almost did it, but didn’t. I just gave him a peek of my treasures. He jerked off naturally.

I tried to shrug it off as mere coincidence, but at the back of my mind there’s this nagging feeling that there’s more to come, like an inner voice telling me that I am a slut who’s a screaming advertisement for sex. I beg to differ. I am not advertising myself for sex (my close friends will strangle me for this quote).

My legs brought me to the food court, where food was ghastly, but the people were worse. Anyway, the only bright spot was the pad thai that I ate. Definitely delicious eating I assure you. As I was innocently (?) swallowing the bits and pieces of pad thai, a queer couple or close to that sat on the table adjacent to mine and were openly flirting they almost fucked on the table they were eating on if the norms of society and civility permitted it. The guy, obviously the bottom glanced sideways and saw me and signaled something to the other guy. The guy stood up and simply made a move to drop his hankie directly beside my feet. They pretended not to see it but I know they’re waiting for me to pick it up and hand it to them. I know what they want. And I know I don’t want what they want. So I just stood up and left the hankie lying there untouched.

As I entered the restroom, I looked at my face and I hated to acknowledge that I am someone screaming for sex. I want love. I want to love. I want a boyfriend. I want walks in the rain, flirtations under the sun, a carefully planned picnic in the park. I want someone to own me so no one would lust after me repeatedly. But I guess that someone for me is still far out in the horizon.

Till then, they have to watch out for the attack of the 5’8’ slut.

Note: I saw more guys that I just recognized by the face. I just can’t remember clearly the scenarios when we met. Please don’t judge me, you’re slutty, too.

FEELIN' SO HOT TAMALE

After 28 years of life, I have this to say:


I am KIDDO

I enjoy life and live by my rules

This is my life

No stress, no fights

I'm leaving it all behind

I've had enough of the guys in my life

Cause I ain't got nobody that I can depend on

Just me, myself and I

I learned to never ever let anybody make you feel you do not deserve what you want.

A LAMB LED TO SLAUGHTER?

I met this guy named Ryan at the guys4men website and I've been exchanging messages with him for a couple of weeks running. Last last Saturday night, we decided to meet. Since I left my phone, I used my friend, Khalel's phone and texted him, inquiring about the place where we should meet.He was there at that place, however, I had the jitters and decided not to walk up to his table. His friends were there, hovering around him like butterflies. I simply have to meet him alone. it was simply impossible, so I just left with my friends. He's cute, but somehow older than me.I have no qualms, I like him.

Somehow, I had doubts when my friend Khalel told me that Ryan has been texting me, even though he already knows that I am not the one who owns that number. My friend Jed told me, "Honey, forget him. He's on a fishing expedition." Somehow, I felt my interest for him wane. Add that to the fact that he wasn't replying to my text messages although when we meet online, he acknowledges the receipt of the text messages, it's just that he has Globe unlimited.

Yesterday, I was just talking to Jed about Mariah (you all know I'm a certified Mariah fan, therefore called a lamb), then he (ryan) called and apologized, explaining that his text messages to my friend meant nothing and he wants me to come to his place.We talked lengthily, he's a fucking great glib talker and funny too. I never had to fake my sexy giggles. He was really bent on making me come, however, I am still cautious. If I go to his place, it means that sex is very very possible.I've had a firm resolve that I wouldn't sleep with anyone on the first meeting (I reserve the right to change my mind 30 seconds after I see my first crow's feet). It was tempting, very tempting indeed, but somehow I felt like a lamb being led to slaughter.

Should I take a chance with this guy and come to his place? Your comments would help me make the decision. This lamb needs your opinion.

FLY LIKE A BIRD

Thank you God!


1. Thank you for my newfound strength.

2. Thank you for making my ditse's HIV test negative.

3. Thank you for giving me a second chance to prove myself at the office.

4. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful family.

5. Thank you for making me look and feel young.

6. Thank you for saving my ate's brother's life.

7. Thank you for giving my sister the closure she needed between her and her husband.

8. Thank you for my friends.

9. Thank you for my ex-boyfriends.

10. Thank you for my suitors.


I lift up everything to you, because with you, I feel I could fly like a bird and soar above every adversity.


FLY LIKE A BIRD
Mariah Carey



Verse 1
Somehow I know that
There’s a place up above
With no more hurt and struggling
Free of all atrocities and suffering
Because I feel the unconditional love
From one who cares enough for me
To erase all my burdens
And let me be free to

Chorus
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord
Carry me high
Don’t let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You’ll come and carry me home
Verse 2
Can we recover
Will the world ever be
A place of peace and harmony
With no war and with no brutality
If we loved each other
We would find victory
But in this harsh reality
Sometimes I’m so despondent
That I feel the need to

Chorus 2
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord
Carry me high
Don’t let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You’ll come and carry me home

Bridge
Keep your head to the sky
With God’s love you’ll survive

Outro
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now Lord
Carry me high
Don’t let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You’ll come and carry me home
Carry me higher, higher, higher
Carry me higher, higher, higher
Carry me home
Higher Jesus
Carry me higher Lord

Letter to a Friend

Dear friend,


Kumusta ka na? By the way I abandoned the "peacock and prairie chicken" question. But I do have a new one. Hahaha. Do reply. I consider u as a friend. And I mean a friend. I just realized that I have very few friends, and it's about time I made new ones. So is it okay for you? Don't worry I won't pressure you, or even beg you to meet me. Just talk to me, let me blabber about how we are all God's actors in his B-movie called "Life" and how we go on about it every single fucking day.

By the way, u inspired me in a way in saying that you don't need a relationship to complete yourself. I guess I should try having that as my life's creed. Hell, life sucks but we don't have to suck too, right? I wish I could tell you more, but I am still not sure if I would meet the standards to be your friend. However, here I am again, not ever learning that being ignored online is just like being shoved. By the way, I had a really tough time, meeting the bitches of G4m last Friday night. A very different crowd I might say. Very very different. Some are nice though. Most are indifferent. Is it because I'm not a screaming fag, or is it because I always dress in dreary blacks and browns? Anyhow, I'm not meeting the G4m bunch ever again, except for some friends.

I've always moved between two worlds but always get shunned by both. One world is of muscular, straight acting men. Gawd I hate gym, and I dont wanna punish myself lifting steel and wondering my hernia is hahaha. I am discriminated for having a body that is not buffed. The other is a world of effem's, fairies, and fashion conscious fabulous gays who call themselves "girls". They always looked at me with arched eybrows. Maybe Im not too vain, and I dont dress too fab. Or maybe I cant see the wisdom of having to slather everything onto your body to make it smooth and supple.

Sometimes, I wonder where I am right now. I am employed but with measly savings. I am single. My mom always worries about my bad behavior all the time. My siblings are always wondering at my whereabouts, as to what shit I am embroiled in again and how much cash do they have to spend in order to bail me out of the scrape I got into. I guess my dad's spinning in his grave right now, due to my craziness.Sometimes I think I'm leading a mediocre life. I don't know. For now I must hold my own against this feeling of nonchalance, that is preventing me from taking a step forward.

Will u help me, my friend?


P.S.This letter will also be published in my blog:aquagreenundies.blogspot.com

I WILL LIVE

I have been moping over the "affair that was" for sometime. However, as time went by, my sadness was filled with silent outrage at some realizations I've had. Being outside the relationship gave me a perspective on why and how it collapsed. No matter how independent I am, it took tremendous effort and support from my friends to pull me through. What made it more difficult was knowing that I was quickly replaced. More like after the death of Princess Diana, wherein Camilla Parker Bowles then took over. (Sigh). Anyway enough of that.

This morning I showered and dressed comfortably. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw a tired, sad and unhappy face. I really was the shadow of my former self. The bubbly, easygoing, and healthy-looking lad was nowhere in sight. Looking back at the year that was, I can understand the change in me. God must love me so much He gave me the toughest of challenges:

1. I lost my beloved team.
2. I was forced to work 60 hrs a week
3. I had and lost 3 boyfriends.
4. I was swindled Php 2,000 ( for me that's big money that time)
5. My friend Elda left for Korea.
6. A crazed drug addict almost broke into my apartment and stabbed me to death.
7. Problems within the family worsened and spiraled out of control, with two of my sisters battlling each other in court.

Shaking myself out of reverie, I stared back at myself. I was thinner alright, BUT I've weathered all the storms. Despite the endless catfights, LQs, illnesses, and disapointments, I am still here. I AM STILL ALIVE.

With this newfound resilience, I told my reflection in the mirror, "KAYA MO YAN, LUMABAN KA SA MGA PROBLEMA. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF YOU YET".

From this day on, I WILL LIVE.

LAMENTATIONS OF AN INCONVENIENT EX-BOYFRIEND

1. I've given up the possibility of a reconciliation. His ego is as big as a house.
2. I regretted I ever presented the possibility of a breakup.
3. I still fantasize about him whenever I have sex with other guys.
4. I plan to return all the gifts he gave me, as soon as I have bought worthy replacements.
5. I suddenly realized that a person does not just get "crabs" by himself, he gets it from someone else. I was so besotted with him that I believed his story that he never slept with anybody else and he doesn't know how on earth he got those icky things crawling on his pubes.
6. I know what you're thinking, I am clean, I don't have crabs and I didn't have crabs before I met him. He gave me crabs. Imagine the discomfort I had shaving my pubes and saying helo to my bald phallus.
7. I still can't believe I bought his story that his phone has an auto delete feature for sent messages. I checked with friends with the same phone model and they gave me "that" look.
8. I know he has created a profile at guys4men.com and has a faceless body in briefs as his main profile picture. His profile name is "Thunder".
9. I slept with another guy a few days before I broke up with him. I just thought, "What the hell, it's useless to stay in a relationship heading nowhere".
10. The word "serious" has a different meaning for him.
11. I hid the truth of my suffering from my friends. I felt sorry for myself.
12. His friends verbally maligned me and he never said any word in my defense.
13. He's a quitter.
14. He admitted his mistakes but he never made adjustments within himself to correct them.
15. He's right, absolutely right. He wasn't man enough for me.
16. This is the last time I'll ever write and talk about him.
    
    
    
    

ME IN THE MOVIES

Generally-speaking I love movies, especially those affecting ones (please take note that an "affecting movie" for me is something that would make me think about alternate endings and replacing the lead character with myself haha). Last Thursday, before my hubby left to flirt with camels in sub-Saharan Africa (I'm talking about Tunisia baby) we watched Flightplan, a Jodie Foster film. The film affected me so much that I always envision myself the target of conspiracy in every way possible (how demented is that?). Maybe I should reconsider consulting a shrink. (Yawn) Read on.

1. The Mummy. I'll slip a cursed Egyptian artifact into my "beloved" officemate Ashley's bag. Naturally the curse will wreak havoc on her and everybody else. hahahaha (evil grin)
2. Catwoman. I'll learn about my boss' secret dealings and the truth behind our phonecards' lost minutes and disconnected lines. Naturally , I will be killed but will be revived as a leather clad person, playing hopscotch on a skyscraper (robinson's summit anyone?)
3. Harry Potter. With a hot guy like Malfoy, who needs enemies? If you can't beat 'em fuck 'em. ahahaha
4. The Matrix. OMG! A lot of Agent Smiths! Can I see them all naked? hehehe
5. The Skeleton Key - Our neighbor's dog who always barks at me whenever I pass by turned out to be my bad-ass neighbor and the good-natured person who is supposed to be my neighbor is the dog. Some black magic required (swishing arms and smoke would help create that effect I guess).
6. The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. Our lazy maid turns out to be the owner of a dog I killed when I was very young and was out on a vendetta. Acts of revenge includes not washing my clothes right away, eating most of our food and monopolizing the TV watching Kampanerang Kuba.
7. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Me and my baby turned out to be spies of opposing factions. Instead of fighting we bicker constantly. The sex is always great, though.

Ashley: Hey ...

KIDDO: (Feigns happiness) Hey...

We'll be back after a few messages....

WHAT IF IM A FREAKIN' DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE?

Most of my Sunday was spent watching "that" show DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, and I can't help but agree to Mary Alice's words that "loneliness is something we can all relate to". However, I cannot imagine, in my queer life how I would fit as a desperate housewife. Here are some un-fitting situations:

(Gabrielle) Eva Longoria: If I were her, I won't just screw the gardener, I'll require a free gardening service. Hell, if you're fucking someone as hot as me, you gotta pay in any way possible. When I realize that my rich, generous husband wants to cure my loneliness with gifts, I'll sulk often and pretend loneliness. That way I can get that mini zoo I've always dreamed of (hippos included of course, but wait, i guess it's not a mini zoo after all).

(Susan) Teri Hatcher: Accident prone Susan. Oh boy, I can't imagine myself tumbling down my aprtment's steep steps and breaking a neck. That sure is a dangerous way to attract a man's attention. However that would attract a swarm of spectators. Maybe HE is among them. I guess I'll just put padding at the landing of the stairs for less damage. ouch!

Brini (Marcia Cross): Squeaky-clean Brini. Queer people should emulate her optimism, for instance, in an eyeball:

Ugly chatmate: Hi
KIDDO: Hi how are you? I brought you some homemade potpourri.
Chatmate (confused): oh ok. Would u like to go somewhere, like fuck?
KIDDO: Oh great sure!

Chatmate takes off his pants and reveals a small dick.

KIDDO: How nice, a small dick....


Lynette (Felicity Huffman) : Generally I don't like kids. They smell, they destroy, they rant, they eat too much and litter like 10 frenzied wildcats. To make those kids buckle up, I'll make them watch the CD of "Uncut murder scenes and footages too violent for TV". Whenever they would refuse, do a sample on a cat and tell in a most controlled voice "If you don't buckle up, you're next." Success everytime I guess. hahahaha

I guess that's why I'm just your good, old Kiddo. God knows what I would do.

LATTER DAY(S)

I believe all people have innate kindness and compassion, however, certain factors influence their way of thinking , therefore altering their judgement on things.

Me and my baby went to his freind's house to celebrate her (friend) son's b-day. We were forewarned that there would be people from the Latter Day church and we do know their stand on man to man affairs (they abhor it so much).

Darwin and I are not openly affectionate. We only cuddle and kiss in private. However, we do attend to each other's needs. We arrived rather late and when we did, they moved to face us and I can see them making whispered commetns and passing one cellphone bearing a text message that they giggle about. When we got to eat, Darwin handed me my plate first before getting his own. He got me my drink. There are subtleties in the way we show our love.

When we are eating, I looked up and saw one American guy's gaze on us. I don't want to sound paranoid but they really are bothered by our presence. Only I felt this. My baby maybe is aware of it but he chose not to bother with it. I just sat defiantly and eyed them one by one, remembering their faces. I won't let them spoil my night.

Dinner was done and when they got up to leave, they all pretended to smile and shake our hands. I never knew it was customary for Latter Day people to shake other people's hands inspite of intense dislike. I almost blurted out the word "plastic", however, I remained silent and smiling bitterly.

I swear, God is frowning upon them for whay they did to us. Yet they call themselvers "elders".

ALMOST DON'T COUNT

It's been more than a month since I have updated my diary. My apologies to everybody. I haven't forgotten you, it's just that I'm so happy with my life right now. On the eve of our 2nd monthsary, I said something that touched Darwin's heart:

"God is very good to me. I have my family, a job to support myself, real friends and you. If he chooses to give me riches, it would only be a bonus, but if not, I'm content with what I have right now. I used to choose friends and lovers by material standards and not by true worth. Certain events in my life have humbled me and made me realize that happiness could be found through simplicity. I have learned that what's simple is true. That simple truth is , I love you."

Troubles in life? They almost don't count.

SO DAMN HAPPY

Hep hep! Timeout muna sa epic saga (epic talaga hehehe) na YISS I'M IN LOVE TODO NA 'TO!

I'll just borrow Aretha Franklin's quote "I'm so damn happy!".

I really am, since Darwin came into my life. It's been three weeks since we made that commitment to love each other inspite of everything.

To quote my statement to my friends Khalel and Jed:

"Hindi na ako magsasayaw sa club, ate! Umiibig na ako at may umiibig na sa akin!"

That elicited guffaws of laughter from them, and they are really very happy for me.

To whatever Higher Power there is out there, thank you!

YISS! I'M IN LOVE! TODO NA 'TO (Part 3)

Ang Mahiwagang Pajama (hehehe)

Pasencia na paiba-iba ako ng language na ginagamit sa blog na ito. I must really be bilingual hehehe. Anyway, sa nakarang kabanata ay nagkasundo kami ni Darwin na manood ng sine. Of course excited ang inyong lingkod. Attracted naman ako kay Darwin kahit sa unang tingin ay mahangin ang dating niya.

Dumating ang Thursday, araw ng panonood ng sine. Syempre pagoda ever na naman ako from work kaya rest muna ako ng isang oras. Nananaginip pa ako nang maalala ko na may lakad nga pala ako. Oh my gulay! I'm running late. Wala akong na-prepare na susuotin. I just grabbed a white, slightly bodyfit white shirt and my ever reliable white Giordano drawstring pants. Reliable kasi kapag sinusuot ko ito, ewan ko pero parang I'm attractive hehe. Kung ang regal babies, may magic kamison, ako may magic pajama hehehe. Nakaslippers lang ako. Actually I'm very underdressed for that date pero what the heck! I'll wear what I want to wear. Besides, gusto ko komportable. Kung ayaw niya, basta manonood ako ng sine.

Nagmamadali pa naman ako pero nauna pa pala ako. May meeting pala siya. Paalis na sana siya sa office pero biglang tinawag for an impromptu meeting. Sige hintay lang ako sa Powerbooks megamall. Tingin tingin lang ng books and boys (hehehe) and mga girls na plunging ang neckline ng blouse (bwahahaha). Sa wakas dumating din siya. Ok naman we ate first sa Luk Yuen. Syempre I ordered my favorite chinese dish, steamed chicken with black mushrooms. Ok talaga ang usapan namin ni Darwin. I thought dutch treat pero he treated me out. Well, ok gentleman naman sya. Pansin ko na nakatingin siya sa aking mahiwagang pajama. Well, well well hehehe gumagana ang powers niya. Pero deadma lang ako kunwari.

"I thought so, well don't keep your hopes up. He maybe like everyone else you've me'"sabi ko sa sarili ko.

We watched THE ISLAND. kahit gaano kaganda si Ate Scarlett Johansson na parang nakakamukha ko na siya (hehehe), mabagal ang pacing ng movie. What;s worse is, parang walang ginagawang move si Darwin para hawakan ang kamay ko or akbayan ako.

"OMG friendship lang ata gusto niya. Kapag in 30 mins hindi niya hinawakan ang kamay ko, ibig sabihin we're meant to be friends lang'" Bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Pero syempre alam niyo naman ang inyong lingkod, walang kadala-dala at walang sawa sa paghihintay. Siguro mga after an hour na kakapanood ng boring na movie at kakaisip kung kailan hahawakan ni Darwin ang kamay ko, napahikab ako sa antok. Napansin yun ni Darwin.

Darwin: Inaantok ka na?

Kiddo: Hindi , ok lang ako (sabay smile)

Unexpected talaga na he touched my chin and kinuha niya ang kamay ko para hawakan.

"Thank you,Lord. Yiss todo na 'to!"nasambit ko na lang sa isip ko.

We held hands for a long time. He motioned me to lean on him. Sympre lean over ako. hay salamat akala ko bokya ang aking effects at sweetness.

Syempre after the movie super uwi na kami kasi late na ito. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko habang naglalakad sa parking lot ng megamall (A walk to remember itu hehe!). Isinakay niya ako sa bus bago siya umuwi.

Pagoda ever ako pero syempre I'm happy and relieved because of three things:

1. Hindi pala torpe si Darwin
2. Enjoy pala to the max ang date na puro sweetness ever lang and ..dyan dyararaaan
3. Hindi niya kinaya ang kapangyarihan ng aking mahiwagang pajama hehehehe.

(susunod.... Ang aming pag-uusap sa YM , correction hindi po cybersex itu)

YISS! I'M IN LOVE TODO NA 'TO (Part 2)

Ang Phone Conversation namin ni Darwin

It turned out na we know each other in the same website and have met some before. It was a queer feelign that we have this instant conneciton, that we could shift from topic to topic and not get bored.

We both like Kyla, we both liked the movie "If Only" and we both agree that the movie is very moving and inspiring.

After much pleasantries, I requested for a copy of "My Love Will Show You Everyhting" mp3 and Harry Potter book 6 pdf file.

But sometimes, my sense leaves me and goes down to my foot. I made a blabber about a guy he used to adore. Actually that guy almost slept with half of Manila's gay population so I just cautioned him. He felt, bad I know. To make amends, I offered to treat him to coffee at Starbucks. Well, I guess it would be shooting two birds in one stone - meeting him and making myself feel less guilty for my loose tongue. It was all set and that fateful day was scheduled on a Wednesday...At last he has a name. Darwin

Darwin here I come...

YISS! I'M IN LOVE! TODO NA 'TO (Part 1)

Kabanata I
Si Kiddo at si W8nnvain


Hindi naman siguro kaila sa lahat na sobrang na-disappoint ang inyong lingkod sa nangyaring Mark fiasco sa Government (sana magbasa ng past blogs di bur?). Anyway, may nagsabi nga sa kin ng isang word of wisdom (pero hindi ko sure kung may wisdom ang taong ito , hehe) na "Tanga lang ang hindi nakakarecover", kaya hayun try to get over na me of that nakaka-traumang event.

Symepre internet chever na naman, as usual. Alam mo naman I'm not your ordinary karerista. I just meet and talk with guys from the net, and hindi yung tumatambay sa kung saang sulok waiting for someone na umihi, hehehe. I visited guys4men.com ang got active.

After sometime, nakakasawa rin pala yung puro usap, puro sex at puro landian. Aba syempre nakakasawa na ano. Baka mamaya sa kakahada eh singlawak na ng Andromeda Galaxy ang bunganga ko at mas marami pang ugat sa puno ng balete ang kamay ko sa kaka-jackoff. Hehehe. Anyway, ayun nag-emote emote ako at nagpaalam sa aking mga g4m friends. Naisip ko, siguro nag if im meant to be a spinster recluse like Emily Dickinson, wala akong magagawa. Kaya ko yan. Baka nga wala pala yung guy na yun sa internet, baka nasa tabi-tabi lang siya. Baka nasa likod ng pader, madilim na kanto, likod ng poste (teka teka mali parang holdaper yun ah). So nagpaalam na rin si Kiddo sa g4m. Inalis ko lang pictures ko. I was about to sign-off na talaga when I visited this forum thread about Kyla that I made, and someone replied saying he loves Kyla. His username is w8nnvain. I saw his pic, cute naman. "Bakit kaya w8nnvain eh cute naman?". Nagmsg ang malandi.

Kiddo: Before I go can I have your number?
W8nnvain: Why?
Kiddo: I'm leaving this site for good.

Ang tagal nagreply ni w8nnvain. Ibinigay rin ang number. Sun cell eto, pero ok na rin, kahit 10 years makarating mga txt msgs ko. Ok siya magtext, until it was time for me to go home. Sabi ko itetext ko na lang pagkauwi ko. yung landline number ko para makapag-usap kami ulit.

Umuwi na ako and nagpahinga. Then nagtext siya. I told him I'm home na and gave him my landline number.

Then the phone rang.......


(to be continued)

Abangan... Ang phone conversation namin ni Darwin (Hindi phone sex eto).